In instances like this, yes, there is a federal role. Yes, we're going to find the money. We're just going to need to make sure that there are savings elsewhere to continue to do so.
-- US Rep. Eric Cantor, August 29, 2011
Setting: The Cantor family home, near Richmond, VA. Eric Cantor sits in a leather chair in his living room, a Bible in one hand, a copy of the U.S. Constitution in the other. On the table next to him is a brass lamp and and a radio playing the Best of Rush Limbaugh. Enter Cantor's teenage son.
SON: Dad, grandma is having a heart attack! I need the car keys to drive her to the hospital.
CANTOR: Now hold on, son. What's this about needing the car keys? No one needs a car. A car is a privilege. You ask politely for the car keys.
SON: Sorry, Dad. Look, grandma just had a heart attack. She is lying in the den, right over there. I want to take her to the hospital. May I have the car keys?
CANTOR: That's much better. But son, driving is a big responsibility. And you have not driven responsibly in the past.
SON: I know, Dad. I know I got a couple of tickets last summer. But look, grandma's --
CANTOR: I don't want to hear another word about grandma. We all love grandma. We all want to help grandma. But this is about personal responsibility. You haven't been responsible in the past. How can I entrust you with the family vehicle when you have been irresponsible in the past? I expect something in return.
SON: Dad, she's your mother.
CANTOR: No, she's not. She's your mother's mother. My mother died alone in a nursing home in Arizona two years ago.
SON: No, Dad, that was mom's mom. This is your mother. Remember, she came to visit last week? We call her Grandma Cantor.
CANTOR: Hmm, I didn't remember that. Well, I guess that means I might owe her a couple of Mother's Day cards. But that's besides the point. This is about you being irresponsible.
SON: Yes, sir.
CANTOR: That's more like it. Let that be a lesson to you. It's impossible to have a productive conversation with someone until that person first makes a complete admission of guilt. Then you can proceed with discussion. You remember that. Now where were we?
SON: Grandma's dying.
CANTOR: No, that's not where we were. We were talking about how irresponsible you have been in the past. And about what you are going to do about it in the future.
SON: Dad, I think she stopped breathing. If you'd just lean over and turn your head, you can see her from here.
CANTOR: I don't need to do that. I trust you. That's something I do, because I believe in the sanctity of the family. Fathers trust their sons, no matter what they have done. Even though you have behaved poorly with the car in the past, I am prepared to make a deal with you. You can have the keys now, as long as you take the bus to school every day for the next month.
SON: Dad! This has nothing to do with grandma!
CANTOR: Dang it, this has everything to do with grandma. Grandma believes in family values. She believes in personal responsibility. If you want the privilege of driving the car, you must sacrifice. We all must sacrifice. If grandma could speak right now, I know she would be in full agreement with me. I am absolutely, positively certain she would rather die than let you go on without looking at yourself in the mirror and admitting your shortcomings. This is about the future. If we can't trust one another going forward, what kind of life will our grandchildren have? Did you ever think of that?
SON: Ok, Dad, that's fine. Just please give me the keys. She's turning blue.
CANTOR: Remember, just because you're doing something right today doesn't mean you are atoning for all the wrongs you've done in the past. You can't pay past debt with good deeds in the present. That's not how God thinks. That's the problem with people in this world. They think just because they are trying to do good today, we should let them do whatever they want to do even if they haven't paid for the wrongs they committed in the past.
I'm talking to you about values. Values are more important than anything else, even life or death. The health care debate should have taught you that.
By the way son, why didn't you call 911?
SON: Don't you remember? It takes an hour for the ambulance to get here, ever since the last hurricane washed the road out. It's only a dirt road now. They can't rebuild it because of the budget cuts.
CANTOR: Oh, I had forgotten that. I use the helicopter to get to work. Mind you, I pay for that helicopter with speaker's fees. I earned it, with money from the American free market. When you start earning seven figures in speakers fees, you can have a helicopter, too. But not before.
SON: Never mind about the keys. Dad. She's dead.
CANTOR: And where are you going then? You go back in there and clean up the mess. I'll be hanged if I'm going to bail you out twice in one day.