When I heard President Obama was delivering a speech to all American school children, I did what I usually do under such circumstances — I turned on Fox News and waited for further instructions. Authorities recommended keeping my children home for their own safety, so that’s what I did. Little did I realize that, despite my precautions, the Eye of Big Brother would reach into my own home.
I thought I was doing the right thing by providing them with an ample supply of American-made corn chips and carbonated drinks, and situating them in front of the TV. I turned on a child-friendly channel. Then I left the room for one minute — just one minute! — to get my morning nip of Milwaulkee’s Best. When I came back, the TV had inexplicably changed to another channel, and my kids were staring into the screen at Obama, hypnotized. They were Obamazombies.
As fast as I could I found the remote and cut the TV off, but it was too late. The damage was done. My son stood on the coffee table, swinging his Slinky in the air, and shouting, “Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but high insurance premiums!” My daughter looked up and me and said, “Dad, why do we always have to do what the oil companies tell us?”
Trembling, I sent them to their room, and desperately hoped the effects would wear off. For awhile, things looked good. Then, frightening things started to happen. A note appeared above the water faucet in the kitchen that said, “Clean, fresh, low cost water courtesy of your local government.” My kids insisted that we go to the public library instead of Barnes and Noble. They said there was no point in paying for a service the government could provide for free. I couldn’t believe my ears.
A few days after the speech, my daughter collected all the Band-Aids in the bathroom and distributed them to the kids in the neighborhood. She called it “low cost health care.” That same afternoon, the kids collected all of their toys into in one box, marked it “Sharing,” and announced that all toys would from now on be “Community Property.”
But rock bottom was a conversation I overheard while I was washing the dishes one night.
DICK: I think I’m gay.
JANE: That’s okay, Dick. There’s nothing wrong with that. Learn to own those feelings.
In a panic, I did what any good parent would and phoned my local Republican Congressman. A polite aide answered, and told me there has been a rash of similar incidents in the community lately. She said she would mail me an instruction book immediately.
Within a few days, I received my copy of The Republican Child Reconditioning Manual. The RCRM was full of helpful hints on turning my brainwashed kids around. The key to the manual was right there on page 3, a listing of the core Republican values.
- Possession is the most important human right.
- Freedom is the greatest American value, and we are going to give it to the world if we have to kill every foriegn-born human to do it.
- Immigrants don't bathe.
- The Second Amendment trumps the First. That's because God loves firearms and hates pornography.
- The only appropriate emotion for a homosexual is self-hatred.
- Corporations are people too.
By forcing my kids to memorize these principles, I was able to get them back in their right minds. Things are now back to normal.
Just the other day, as we were driving home from school my son noticed a bum lying on the street and said, “Why doesn’t he have a job, Dad?” Oh, what a relief.
Don’t let this happen to you. If your kids show signs of Obamatization call your local Republican leader fast. It could be a matter of life or death. Don’t be a statistic.