The Official Judge Sonia Sotomayor Questionnaire

A friend of mine was walking the streets of Washington, DC, and accidentally came across the below document in the bottom of a dumpster beneath four hundred empty bottles of scotch, a couple dozen boxes labeled "Torture Memo -- Classified," and a long narrow coffin with the words "Remains of Osama Bin Laden -- For Cheney's Eyes Only" stamped on the side.

I cannot fully vouch for the veracity of the document, but feel confident that it is at least 100% true.

Official Judicial Committee Questionaire for Supreme Court Applicants

Part I -- Personal Information and General Political Views (10 Questions)

1. What is your name?

A. ____________ (name filled in)
B. I'm sorry, I don't recall ever being supplied with that information.
C. I will function as a member of the Supreme Court. Since our decisions are collective, I feel maintaing an individual identity would be deleterious to court proceedings.

2. What is your favorite color?

A. Red
B. Yellow
C. Blue
D. Color is a property of physical objects and does not exist independent of the object itself. It would therefore be inappropriate for me to comment on color "as an ideal" without being presented with the specific facts of the case.

3. Ok, how about the color of a handbag?

A. Red
B. Yellow
C. Blue
D. A handbag is specifically feminine apparel. As a Supreme Court Justice, it is my duty to judge impartially, without regard to race or sex. As such, it would be inappropriate for me to have an opinion in the matter.

4. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

A. No sound
B. This is a Zen meditation question and the Court should not rule on matters of religious preference
C. One hand clapping produces a disturbance in the air expressed as compression waves that propagate through the atmosphere. Pursuant to recent Supreme Court decision Massachusetts v EPA, atmospheric disturbances fall under the jurisdiction of the EPA. My advice is that you refer the question to the EPA director for further elucidation.

5. What is your political party?

A. Democrat
B. Republican
C. I do not vote, as this renders me impartial when I have to decide who won presidential elections.

6. What is your favorite food?

A. Hot dog
B. Apple pie
C. Tortilla
D. I want the members of this committee to understand that I respect the roots of the American legal system, which are based in British Common Law. However, I wish the esteemed Committee to understand that Common Law gets its eventual roots from the Roman Republic, and the Romans ate olives and grapes and drank wine, none of which appear on the above list. The food preferences of the British I rule out of order. Precedence in U.S. food law dates back to the 1877 decision Kraut v. Wiener, in which a 6-3 ruling indicated that the hot dog patent did not include sauerkraut, and therefore "some kind of oblong sausage"could be sold with kraut without royalty payments. I also refer you to the 1910 case of O. Meyer v. Allied Rail, in which a passenger on a train owned by the defendant accidentally dropped a suitcase of fireworks from the back of the train, only to have the suitcase bounce off the platform and into a meat car, where it erupted, cooking the meat, and forcing the plaintiff to reluctantly sell 10,000 hamburgers to passengers at the train station at a huge discount. Then there is the 1984 case of M. Jackson v. Pepsico, in which the plaintiff's scalp was roasted when his hair caught on fire during the filming of a commercial. All of these precedents, taken into account, suggest that the above choices are incomplete and the question should be referred back to Circuit Court for further review.

6. Do you believe the 2nd Amendment guarantees the right of individual citizens to bear arms?

A. [Redacted by the NRA]
B. The rights of citizens to carry firearms without restrictions is guaranteed by the 2nd, the greatest of all Amendments.
C. [Redacted by the NRA]

7. What is your interpretation of the First Amendment?

A. The first amendment guarantees freedom of the press and religion, and establishes separation of Church and State.
B. The strict words of the First Amendment guarantee freedom of the press, but that does not necessarily extend to all forms of expression.
C. I stand in favor of all civil freedoms, except those freedoms the President sees fit to abrogate from time to time.
D. Torture could be construed as a form of speech.

8.How do you feel about including the words "Under God" or "In God We Trust" in public documents and displays?

A. The U.S. is a descendent of Judeo-Christian culture and thus it is appropriate to say so publicly.
B. The Founding Fathers used "God" and "Creator" in their language to express a deference to natural law, and it is appropriate that we continue to do so.
C. By God, all those traitors who do not agree with the White Men on this Committee shall be forever damned to hell.

9.Are you a racist?

A. Yes, sir.
B. No, sir.
C. Do you consider "pasty white Republican" a race?
D. Didn't I see you at the cross burning last week, Senator?

10. What is your opinion of Roe v. Wade?

A. Roe v. Wade was fairly decided and should be the law of the land.
B. Roe v. Wade was judicial activism and should be struck down at the next available opportunity.
C. Roe v. what? I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, is your microphone on?
D. I'm sorry, but I have no recollection of that particular case. I'll be glad to read it over and give you an opinion in a couple of weeks.
E. I'm glad you asked me that. I have some very strong opinions on that particular case, and relish the idea of expressing them to you. First of all, I... oops, I spilled my coffee on my notes ... oh drat, I spend weeks working up those notes, everything I wanted to say was right there, and now it's all smeared...Perhaps I can reconstruct my thoughts and give you another presentation next month, or the month after...gosh, Senator, that is such a beautiful tie, where did you get it? You know, everybody's looking so tired around here, let's say we just take a break for a while, and we can take up where we left off tomorrow...well, so long, we'll start fresh in the a.m...