Here in New Orleans we got a hearty laugh last week over the travails and resignation of Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Wednesday was the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, so it was a much needed respite from the heavy sentiments of the week.
Most Americans did not know the distinguished senator from Idaho until the story of his arrest for solicitation of gay sex broke about two weeks ago, but here in Louisiana we were well acquainted with him. The Senator, you see, did not make his career only out of gay-bashing, but also out of Katrina-victims-bashing. Shortly after the hurricane, he sprinkled insults in the press like Johnny Appleseed.
After first referring to New Orleans as "Baghdad on the Bayou," he said this to the Lewiston Morning Tribune of Lewiston, Idaho:
Fraud is in the culture of Iraqis. I believe that is true in the state of Louisiana as well.
In the McCall Starr News (McCall, Idaho):
Louisiana and New Orleans are the most corrupt governments in our country, and they always have been.... A rookie cop in New Orleans, they pay him or her $17,000 starting pay and then wink and say you better make the rest of it on the street.
Craig was using the corruption of Louisiana politicians as an excuse to deny Katrina victims aid. About one of the hardest-hit areas, the Lower 9th ward, he said,
I'm not humorous when I suggest we should turn it back to what it was, a wetland.
And as a member of the Senate Appropriations Committee, Craig was in a position to ensure that his views became reality.
Well, well, well, how the mighty hath fallen. Since Mr. Craig seems to have no qualms about kicking people when they are down for political gain, surely he will understand if we rain on his gay pride parade now. And so, with no further ado, I offer a few Larry Craig jokes I wrote up this morning for you to share with your friends at the water cooler. One warning: If you don't like raunchy humor, cover your eyes.
Q. Didn't Larry Craig once say all New Orleans Police officers were corrupt and took bribes?
A. Yeah, and I bet he wishes he met one of those in the Minneapolis Airport!
Q. I heard Larry Craig was thinking of running for president.
A. Yes he was. His campaign got off to a good start but then it went into a stall.
Sen. Craig: Doctor, I get a headache every time I have sex.
Doctor: Stop hitting your head on the toilet during encounters.
Q. How does Larry Craig keep his weight down?
A. Every day for lunch he has a peanut butter and KY jelly sandwich.
Q. A priest, a Baptist Minister, and Larry Craig went into a bar. Do you know what they each ordered?
A. The priest had an Irish Whisky, the minister had a Kentucky Bourbon, and Craig had a Scot on his rocks.
Q. What's the difference between a case of the clap and Larry Craig?
A. You can't catch the clap on a toilet seat.
Q. I heard that Larry Craig is starting to take a more moderate position about the Iraqi war.
A. Yeah, he has been polling and has decided to take a wider stance.
Ms. Craig: Larry, I'm leaving you for another man.
Larry: Let me know if he's got a brother.
Q. I thought Larry Craig was a lifelong devoted Republican.
A. So did I, but in the last two weeks he admitted he has lost interest in Bushes.
Q. Why is Larry Craig against gay marriage?
A. Because it's not American Standard.
Q. When will you stop humiliating the distinguished senator from Idaho?
A. When he gives us the 9th Ward back.
And finally:
When he was a boy, little Larry Craig lived in a huge mansion with his wealthy parents. The Craigs employed a handyman named Marc. One day, as Marc was trying to fix a leaking faucet, he squatted down under the sink for a better look at the plumbing. As Marc bent over, his pants slipped down from the waist, exposing almost all of his rear end. Little Larry gawked at the sight.
His grandmother saw him doing this and called him aside. "Larry," she said, you shouldn't stare. It's not polite. Next time you see someone in a compromising position like that, direct your gaze into the air."
A few days later Larry had his friend Tommy over for play time. The Hispanic maid, Adelle, was cleaning out the oven. She was wearing shorts, and as she bent over her rear end stuck out provocatively. Tommy could not resist staring.
"Tommy," the toddler Larry squealed, "gaze airborne, not maid!"
So long, sucker!