Folks, this was reported on the news wires this morning:
WASHINGTON – In a move that has surprised observers, the U.S. House of Representatives is considering a measure that would legalize hypocrisy for all U.S. citizens. The proposed bill, H.R. 31345, would protect “any attack, public or private, in writing, speech, television, or any other media, in which the attacker is guilty of the same offense as the accused.” It also contains 782 items devoted to farm subsidies.
Co-author of the bill, Clinton Krumble (D, MO), says the new legislation should ease the partisan atmosphere in Washington. “We spend a lot of time around here charging each other with hypocrisy,” he told reporters at a press conference on Monday. “Legalizing hypocrisy will clear the air, and free up time for more constructive conversations.”
Republican co-sponsor Jeremiah Firebrand (KY), agreed. “Just because a guy is gay doesn’t mean he can’t be against gay marriage. This law would allow lawmakers to get citizens to do what we say, not what we do.”
Experts around the country seem equally enthusiastic. “There is ample evidence in the literature that banning behaviors only creates illegal markets,” said Markus Gay, president of the Society for Open Economies. “There is no question that legalizing hypocrisy will free up law enforcement to concentrate on other issues. Right now, there are a huge number of hypocrisy clubs in and around Washington. At night, you can see all kinds of Washington politicians and staffers coming and going from those places. And every time the police shut one down, two more will pop up in its place.”
Newt Gingrich, former Congressman from Georgia, read a statement in support of the bill. “Hypocrites are the most unfairly persecuted minority group in the United States. We have laws guaranteeing African-Americans the right to hold public office. But hypocrites are banned indiscriminately from public life. An old prejudice is being set aside and a new era of freedom is about to be born.” A tear rolled down Gingrich’s cheek as he spoke.
Although the bill has broad bipartisan support, a few groups promise stiff opposition. One of these is the pharmaceutical industry. According to industry spokesman and pharma representative Barbie Tightskirt, drug companies feel legalizing hypocrisy will only hurt patients. “We have new drugs in the pipeline to treat hypocrisy,” she said, referring to Virtua, a drug by Merck and Company that awaits FDA approval and is purported to treat hypocritical tendencies. “If patients think hypocrisy is permissible, many people suffering from this terrible mental disorder will not seek proper treatment.”
Another opponent, the Society of Native Americans, argues that the law would harm Indian tribes. Hypocrisy has been legal on most Indian reservations since the 1980s, Julian Roundtree, the group’s spokesman, explained. “Most reservations do heavy business in the hypocrisy trade, and if this law goes through, it will wipe out a lot of our profits. Without hypocrisy, all we’ll have is gambling , cheap booze, and cigarettes – that’s it. No one can expect a Native American tribe to survive on the scant millions a casino earns.”
Indian reservations began legalizing hypocrisy after market research showed that Christian conservative groups were avoiding reservation casinos. To appeal to this segment of the market, reservations started opening “hypocrisy villas,” complete with spiritual cleansing spas. Financial records are hard to come by, but it is estimated that on-reservation hypocrisy villas have brought in over $4.7 billion in revenue in 2004.
The bill has cleared committee hearings and will go to the House floor for a general vote this coming week.